Coping With an Illness

Grace was always a kind hearted, gentle woman.  To everyone she was an angel.  But on the inside she was struggling.  Grace became widowed 15 years ago.  With the heartache of losing her soul mate of 50 years; and, with the new responsibilities of “being alone,” her mental status began to fade. With that, major changes were about to arise for Grace—and most of all, for her family.

Coping with a loved one who develops a dementing illness can be very trying.  On the outside they are the same person you have known and loved your whole life, but on the inside they are a completely different person.  The most important thing in dealing with a mental status change or any permanent illness is acceptance.  It is very important to accept the fact that life has changed not only for your loved one, but for the entire family as well.  A new phase of life has begun and it is very crucial to be aware of the stages that occur when an illness of this type is diagnosed.   

The first stage is denial.  You might wonder how this could happen to your family.  After the shock of the news, allow yourself to collect your thoughts, be supportive and develop a plan for care.  The second stage is anger.  The “why me” question arises once again.  There is no fault.  Life presents us with many challenges.  Knowing how to deal with the challenges is the key to coping.  The third stage is bargaining.  This stage in dealing with an illness comes when you want to make deals.  “If only”, or “In the Future”.  You want to make deals with yourself or with God, hoping your situation will change.  The fourth stage is depression.  In a sense you are losing a loved one.  Not physically, but mentally.  This life change is hard and there will be many times you feel helpless.   The last and most important stage of dealing with an illness is acceptance.  Caring for a loved one with a mental illness takes a great deal of patience and understanding.  The patient can many times sense the distress of those around them.  A certain amount of normalcy should be maintained in order to ease into any type of transition.  There will be times when you feel anger.  But remember, this is the fault of no one.  It is not the fault of the loved one and it is not your fault.  Stay away from blaming anyone for the situation.  

Caring for a person with an illness also takes a great deal of love and compassion.  For Grace, the caregiver was her daughter.  It was complete role reversal.  Grace was the child and her daughter became the adult in the situation.  Grace became increasingly unable to make decisions for herself.  One of the most difficult tasks for any caregiver is to know what the patient would want and how she would want things done.  It is especially difficult when a decision must be made that the caregiver knows would not please the patient.  These are the types of decisions that must be made in order to keep the patient safe. One of the most difficult decisions is that of taking the car keys from the patient. To lose the ability to drive steals the last bit of independence a person enjoys. This is second only to the decision to make other living arrangements. But as the caregiver you must remain strong and remember that the safety and well being of your patient is your primary concern. 

Above all, take care of the caregiver.  Those who have the responsibility of a loved one with a dementing illness should seek support from others, whether it be other family members, or an organized support group.  No one should feel alone.  

Rejoice in the blessings that happen in your life and know that “this too shall pass.”

Sources:

Mace, Nancy L. M.A. and Rabins Peter V. M.D., P.P.H, The 36-Hour Day. 1991

Article written by: Melissa Hare